the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
