I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
