I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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