AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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