The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
