I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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