In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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