When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
