In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Randomize
