allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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