Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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