I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
no more duck duck goose at the bar
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
