So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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