i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
