o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
