Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
