like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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