apparently the secret to your success is patron
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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