Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
