having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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