His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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