This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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