i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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