ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
be right there i have to get my cape
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
