So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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