I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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