Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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