I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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