Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
