Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
