I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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