you didnt know i had herpes?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This show inspires me to have sex in space
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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