so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
