i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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