I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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