I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
