What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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