I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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