She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
