Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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