It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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