I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
