Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I smell stomach acid.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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