I think im going to throw up on grandma
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
