Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize