From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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