Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
