The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
