My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
