you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
