The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
