Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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