I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
