Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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