cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
