I just pynch a tree in the face
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
did i walk over a car last night?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
